Since I've Been Back

I’m not sure if anyone really reads this anymore since I haven’t posted anything new in several months… I’ve kept thinking of writing out some of my thoughts but procrastinated when I thought of how long that might take. And those of you who are on my prayer update list know much of what has been going on my life. Of course, continuing to process things is an ongoing journey that will continue for quite some time I’m sure. But here are some reflections on the last several months. This isn’t going to be short, even though it’s only the tip of the iceberg. You might want to grab a cup of coffee and get comfortable!

Leaving Africa
Though there were a few senses in which leaving was a relief to me, returning to the States was not easy. I hit a point in my last months in Africa where I finally felt at home. I honestly wasn’t looking forward to coming back to this side of the world. I no longer had a longing for those things that I had missed so much at first – certain restaurants or stores or some of the advanced technologies we have here. Even friends who I missed for so long I now felt disconnected from. I enjoyed my life in Africa, for the most part. It was simple and beautiful. I made great friends who I grew to cherish. Sure there were some difficult things….I still struggled with loneliness, especially the last few months as I was dealing with some painful issues. But I grieved at the thought of returning here and being disconnected, once again, from a community that became so much a part of me. And I was scared of returning to the States and feeling like I would be missing out on the abundant way of life that you can’t help but feeling you’re living out on the mission field.

My Journey Over the Last Several Months
My first few months home were a very emotional time. I felt very disconnected. I was anxious to find somewhere to fit in and to have “a plan” but that wasn’t clear to me right away. There were many things I needed to process, as well as just taking time to carefully consider all possibilities before making any definite decisions. I’m thankful to have some good friends who have also been through this process who were a tremendous encouragement to me.
I finally came to the point after a couple months where I was really feeling led to return to school for my masters. I was hesitant to make this decision for a long time because I didn’t want that to be just a fall back decision – I believe strongly that the Lord guides us but we have to be sensitive to discerning where, and I wanted to be sure I was headed in the direction He was leading. I continued looking into different programs and, though Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena had been my first choice, I didn’t think it was possible financially. I really thought that I was going to be headed towards Goldengate Theological Seminary in San Francisco. They have a great Global Studies program and I’m eligible for a lot of financial aid because of serving overseas. However, after lots of campus visits and meetings with students at both places, I really felt that Fuller was where I was supposed to be and that the Lord would provide a way for me to be there. It felt like “home” and the Lord had already begun integrating me into a community in Pasadena.

Where I’m At Now
I officially become a graduate student in two and a half weeks. I’ll be taking just one class this quarter while I continue working full time. I’m a bit nervous about starting school again (it’s been awhile!), but I’m really excited. I’m excited about being part of the Fuller/Pasadena community which is so diverse and international, about the friends I’ll make (and already have made), about what I’m going to be learning in this amazing program, about the ways I’ll grow, and about being able to continue processing through things in a deeper, more guided way.

I still experience the pain of missing friends and relationships, but I know that the Lord is good and has plans for me. And I’m blessed by the new friendships I’ve already made here, old friendships that have picked up and continued on, and at least being able to communicate with far away friends via phone or email or Facebook. I know that I am supposed to be here for a season and that in the future the Lord will guide me once again to a far off place. Though life looks a whole lot different now than it did a year ago, the adventure is far from over.